Arranged Marriage Anyone? (Thoughts From My Experience)
So you have chosen to read this article which helps me to assume that you are facing the dilemma of “arranging” yourself for a marriage.
Right? Well, take a deep breath pal! The way definitely is not easy. But don’t lose heart yet. Stick on with me.
It all started when I turned 27, parents were already at me asking to get married. You know how it goes, “Mone (my dear son), age is running faster than Usain Bolt, it is time you get hitched” and to justify their point they will tell you the “perks” of getting into matrimony at an early age: you get more choices, you look young, can have children at young age, take good care of them, and help them settle early in life so that you can retire peacefully. Normal life alert!
When my folks spoke about my marriage for the first time, I couldn’t digest the thought. Like every modern soul, I was living like a free bird, enjoying the life of an efficient bachelor, and the thought of settling down was last thing on my list. I successfully resisted the push for quite some time, but finally surrendered to their emotional atyachar. Yes, i had to say yes.
Agreeing was the first step and i did it for them, but what next? Ofcourse, the girl. And this is that one area in my life where i sucked high time (don’t you see? otherwise you would have been reading my article on Love Marriage). So like any ‘sane’ Indian guy would do, I assigned this task (of finding a girl) to my parents. But with a condition! They get to direct me to the girl, I would talk to her and ONLY if i find compatibility that i would proceed. No forcing!
In the initial round Mum and Dad started speaking to relatives and friends to find someone within the circle. And they found a few… around 10 I guess. I met most of them, had a chat, came back home and said NO! Straight Nos for no reason. After the count crossed 10, they started asking about the kind of a girl i was looking for? (I secretly believe, they would have meant that Aishwarya Rai is already married and go check yourself in the mirror).
I told them, “Listen, I’m not looking for a girl who looks like a film star, or someone too fair. Im just looking for someone with whom I can talk and feel comfortable with, someone who makes me feel like she’s of my frequency, and if educated, the better. Also, last but not the least, I should feel that the girl looks okay (You’ll have to look at her face for the rest of your life you see!). That’s all. No other conditions.
If this sounds cool and easy to you, hold that thought Mister! NOT so easy!
Soon after that episode, I met 2 other girls (at different intervals) as per parents’ suggestion, and both of them made me feel that this was it! I was so happy and thought that it’s all finally set. But as luck bailed out on me (like it always did), both of them rejected me. This is the problem. You are finally convinced that you have found that special one, after so long, you talk to her, she makes you feel special, you start building up your dreams and then she/ her parents say NO. In other cases, horoscope turned out to be a bitch. That is the moment when you start envying the atheists!
Trust me mate, this is something you’ll have to handle. It’s like that one sided love you have been experiencing for all the girls that made you feel something special in your heart. You saw them, felt like spending all your life with them and then they just go on their own path, and we move on with our lives. For guys like me, girls are like paintings. We watch them from a distance, admire their beauty and bid goodbyes.
Things might get emotional along the way but the idea is to let go and in our case, start ‘searching’ for the next. We have to keep ourselves cool, control our emotions, keep away from depressive/negative thoughts/music , have a good company of lively friends with positivevibes. Otherwise it’s gonna be difficult. It’s all about learning the art of ‘Letting Go’. Mastering this art will take a minimum of 2 to 3 of such experiences or even more. Regardless of what comes, stay positive. Believe that “Everything happens for a reason” and “Things will happen when the time is Ripe”.
As I write these lines, my status is :
– met 15 girls
– liked 4 out of 15
– 2 rejected me
– 2 horoscope issues
After a while I had to register for an online matrimony account. And also a couple of offline matrimonial services.
One day Mom called and said that some girl’s parent expressed interest in my profile. Seems like they liked my profile specially because I didn’t mention that I’m looking for someone from a good economic background. I didn’t have a choice but to go and meet the girl. Even though I didn’t expect much, somewhere my heart kept asking, what If she is the girl you have been looking for? I tried my best to curb all such thoughts as it naturally start building up my expectations. At times it worked and at times it didn’t. Speaking about the girl, I met her, spoke for some time, didn’t feel comfortable or didn’t feel like saying a Yes. So I went back home, now the count being 16. Plus all those negative feelings that was pulling me down. I was trying my best to stop all such negative thoughts. Initially I failed, but after few weeks I regained my confidence.
What always kept me going was this mantra “Continue to be Awesome, keep up the process of upgrading yourself, keep doing good things in life”. For me throughout my life, i have been following this concept and getting good results out of it. So I took that for granted and continued my journey of life motivating myself, believing that right things will happen at the right time. Just do your part well. Rest is “Karma”.
It was a Wednesday evening, I was in office as usual, busy with work. All of a sudden I received few photos from my brother, blocking my calendar for Saturday. Photos of a couple of girls i might be interested in – one of them grabbed my attention. Then I thought, “Ok, I should find out from my brother, who am I supposed to meet this weekend”. And then he told me that it is the same girl whom I liked from the photos. And then my mom calls up asking me to go and visit the girl on Saturday.
Thus, I set out on my journey along with my Dad and my brother to meet the 18th girl. Drove nearly 25Kms, couldn’t find the address, lost way. Called the girl’s Mom multiple times but still found it difficult to find the house. I thought of dropping the plan and going back. But then I convinced myself, not to lose an opportunity. Each visit is an experience or practice to make the next visit a better one .
Thank God! Patience paid off, we found the house. Went in, met Her parents, had a chat, and then the Girl entered ️ She looked better in real than the Photo. Just had a basic round of discussion, like what’s your name, what do you do, school, college and so on. Her Mom came back with a cup of Horlicks and the girl served me. Actually horlicks broke the flow of the conversation and then I felt shy to restart as everyone were nearby. (Flashback: I had a similar experience before where “Tea” was the villain. I didn’t restart the conversation as I felt shy. But then without better conversation I couldn’t say Yes! Also I didn’t have the guts to revisit the same girl. Thus I had lost one opportunity.)
So this time instead of letting Horlicks take away my peace, I took a bold step by asking her whether she could spare 10 minutes to talk with me just outside the house. She came out and then we resumed the conversation. I started by talking about my interests, asked about hers, then it just flew from one topic to another. Even I’m not sure how the topics just fell in. I tried my best to make her understand me, my likes, dislikes etc. so that at least she could decide whether I’m of her frequency. The best thing was, she too spoke well about her, her likes and dislikes. We were really in the zone when my dad had to exclaim “It’s already 15 minutes, any plans to go back home?” (Thanks Dad! Such a sweet reminder.)
I asked him to wait for some more time and continued the conversation. And then after 30 minutes or so, I had to force stop the conversation (Parents-phobia). For me this was the best conversation out of all the 18 conversations I had with other girls. I felt so comfortable talking to this girl. I was happy when I stepped out, I felt like I won’t feel bad even if the girl says No, as I gained more confidence this time, felt like I had upgraded my conversation skills.
Previously I had felt comfortable talking with couple of other girls and then they had rejected me. And that did hurt me. So this time I took extra care to stop building up unnecessary expectations. I just had a feeling inside me, if this girl says YES, that would be great! Also me, “Ok! Calm down Romeo, let’s wait.”
While driving back home it drizzled, which is considered to be a good omen in our culture and I asked myself, “Can I take this as a Yes?” [might sound too Filmy, Ha Ha]
We reached home, and the girl’s Mom called up saying that they (the girl as well) liked me, and whether I liked her! I nodded my head and smiled, my mom interpreted it and shared her happiness with the girl’s Mom.
The story doesn’t end here. Now comes the third phase: both families should like each other, the horoscopes should match, pass background verification and so on.
It took at least 2-3 weeks to get everything sorted out. The result turned out to be positive
I was so happy to hear that. Till that day I was waiting for a positive result and finally when it came out, my thoughts started flowing in a different direction. I have taken a decision for my life time! Was that too quick? Is she the right one? What if I was wrong in analysing her? What if in future I find out that she is not the one I was looking for? Too many questions started throwing itself on my face. But then a courage came from nowhere, and i promised myself that I will face whatever comes my way (I have got no other choice now).
Gradually we exchanged our respective phone numbers and started talking over the phone. Initially it felt a little odd (starting trouble as people call it), but soon we were comfortable with each other on phone. We were lucky enough to get almost 6-7 months span to understand each other (on phone) before the wedding. We met only 3 times within this time period as I work away from hometown.
Phone was our medium of communication. Even though we met 3 times, we both felt a bit shy to talk to each other the way we talked over phone. I assured her that when we started talking over phone it was the same initial awkwardness and with time we became comfortable with each other. And so let’s give some time, things will gradually be fine.
And now as i type this story of mine, we are happily married and voraciously trying to get to know each other. What I feel at this point is, even though it took a lot of time to find the right girl for me, the time and effort was worth spending.
So If you are still searching for a partner i would recommend you to follow my mantra “Continue to be Awesome, keep up the process of upgrading yourself, keep doing good things in life”. Just do your part well. Rest is “Karma”.
Remember, ”Everything happens for a reason” and “Things will happen when the time is Ripe”.
Please leave your valuable feedback/comments below on the writing. That is what motivates me 🙂
Here is the wedding highlights video :